Enchanted Affinity

Finding hope in sublime thoughts
A make believe world, everything is sought

Silent tears and prayers abound
Every wish is the last if fulfilled and found

Hiding and seeking, finding troubles along
Living in heaven and within hell's bound

Voices become feeble until unheard
In a play of the senses with the one who is heard

Misery and mystery beget each other
All seems lost in finding one and another

Time tells tales of timelessness
Risks untold and lives changed

The soul dawns colors but a chosen few
Left with nothing but the darkest hues

A thousand struggles for a hollow smile
A heavy price for what is thought worthwhile

Walking a tight rope with a steep fall
Heading no where and hanging mid air

Still holding on that spot and wanting to be there
A method in madness probably consoles the despair

Such is the disease and such is the cure
One is not to be without the other

But knowing it once is enough to deplore
The customary life without its enfold

And feeling and living just once I'd rather
than a thousand lives just living the norm

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How to let go?

This is not one of those self help write ups to help you out with a breakup. Sorry if you came looking for that and a word of warning, reading further might make you more miserable than relieved.

How does one let go? When you hold something close to your heart, close enough to breathe as one, what in this world can teach you how to let go? Just to be clear, I am NOT talking about breakups at all.

Things change, people change, time changes and the biggest of all, circumstances change and you are left with clinging on to all of them as they were. Changes at work I can handle. What can possibly be at stake there... nothing more than my capability and definitely not my heart. (My head does not count, I'm pathetic at maths and I can't keep track of changes at work - maybe that's the other reason I accept it so easily).

Changes in personal relationships though, can wreak me to the very core. Thankfully there are very few people that I allow to affect me in this manner, but currently even that few is churning my world upside down! I've tried everything I preach when I console others. Now I empathise with the ones I've consoled. Oh if they saw me now, they'd enjoy it I think! The wild one in me is sneering at myself. How wise I thought I was and what a fool I actually am. I think I am in control of my life and then I have this urge to pen something like this.

Whats there to let go;

- A life lived within the calming shade of the most beautiful relationship I have come across
- The warmth it fills my heart with, the heady feeling of life's greatest high
- The sensations I'm overwhelmed with every time I look at that reflection
- The sizzling conversations so intellectually stimulating it races my heart endlessly
- The mornings, evenings and in betweens of nothingness which are everything to live for
- The thought that nobody could ever be more perfect for me! (Grass greener effect...)
- The silent understanding, completing of sentences, reading one's mind to the T
- The anticipation and hope of every word, touch and endless fantasising
- The infinite dreams of a tomorrow that will never be
- The belief that the tomorrow would certainly be most wonderful
- The leisure of being able to get lost even in a packed meeting
- The thought that something so pure can be forbidden for endless reasons that this world can conjure
- The anguish that I never tried, that I am bound by a 100 other relations that I'd have to let go for just this one

My peace, my happiness and my tomorrow. Who decides? Is it really a supreme power? Then how come all the difficulties in front of me are created by my own beings. Laws, rules, race, rank, colour, caste, creed, customs, culture, lower, higher, status, straight, gay, religion, sub caste. I'm convinced all these things do point to a divine power, a power very twisted in its logic. Its difficult to comprehend that mere humans like myself have created these barriers. It has got to be some dark divine ruling power that sends them into a trance which today defines not only mine but every one's tomorrow in one way or the other. I wish I had my own Harry to say 'Avada Kedavra', on second thoughts Hermione would do it better. Harry is SO hyped.

An entire generation will be always be confused. Reaching for the sky and unconsciously rooted with these barriers. It takes courage to let go of the roots that you think nourished you to reach for that elusive rainbow. If only we reached for it, nobody would have to wait until the last judgement, there would be heaven or hell right here. At least heaven would get a chance, right now hell's breaking loose.

There's nowt so queer as folk

The feeling when someone who is unwanted knocks on your door is still OK to deal with. You can peek and see who it is and not answer at all. Alternately if you are a lady, you can say you are having a bubble bath and can't open the door. Guys can just open the door in their undies and it should be enough to drive away most mortals (unless you are David Beckham or its someone gay or desperate).

But what if someone knocks on your door 10 times, leaves post-its on it with weird sentences which mean nothing to you. And above all expects a response as though all what they are hounding you about makes perfect sense in the realms of the universe to everyone and it should to you too. If this wasn't frustrating enough, that the person is a mere name to you should really do it.

NOTE: For the purpose of this blog, the usage of the word 'Moron' would imply someone whom I hardly know but who thinks he is my friend and hence can take liberties with me.

So Mr. Moron one fine day has started bothering me in a very slow and steady manner. As a friend on orkut (- a social networking site similar to FB but more popular in India) he was accepted, purely due to me knowing he existed in one of my classes. Slowly pings on Gtalk were the norm with random weird messages overflowing with familiarity. Thoughts of who the hell Mr. Moron thinks he is were omnipresent, every time I read his messages. There are people who can handle it and then there is me. If anyone ever tries to force their presence or familiarity on me, I run miles miles deeper into seclusion.

With such a mindset, I log onto Gtalk one day and pop comes up an offliner. "That caption on orkut, is it because of me?", it read. Just the day before, I had changed my orkut caption to read something like: "Dumb founded by an equation gone wrong, I was never good at Chemistry" and those who would have read the below blog would be able to relate to why I typed in those words. I was hurting and Mr. last standing Moron from the barbaric ages of Homo Erectus thinks I am dedicating my caption on orkut to him! Yes, yes HIM.

But wait, no this is not the reason I am writing this... there's more. He goes on to blabber about how I cleared his doubt by confirming he isn't the reason for the caption. Still further, he says, "I hate breaking hearts and had promised myself that I won't fall in love again! Hence wanted to confirm." I was on the last nerves, none of his sentences made any sense. Finally he says, "Some common friend in UK asked me before meeting up with you, whether it would be alright with me as you are my GF and I clarified saying there is nothing between us. Its good that you have cleared it. Thanks for it."

Firstly he mentioned some common friend as though he and I were a part of 100 social circles. There was only one set with whom I'd have any friends who knew him too and I have met only one of them in UK so far. So who Mr. Common Friend would be was easy to guess but still couldn't relate to what was being said. What was the reason for someone from my Comp Sc. college to think I was Mr. Moron's GF, a guy whom I didn't EVER speak to in college? I couldn't begin to understand how I became his GF. All confusing and with my own anger at this guys guts to relate something very close to my heart with frivolous fleeting of his own, I decided to shut the entire episode off.

I was later narrating this to Nehu (my divine intervention on this planet). At that time too it did not strike me as to what Mr. Moron meant. When I finished, probably the way I said it or Nehu's reaction to it suddenly made me realise what moronic ideas Mr. Moron had been harbouring.

Basically this guy thought I was in love with him ?!!?!?!??!?!??!!?!??!!!!

No really, I found it hard to believe at first. But what he said and did, all indicated to only that. How can anyone even venture to clear a doubt like this with someone as direct as me, I wonder. I never have been able to hide my likes and dislikes where people are concerned. This has been proven beyond a doubt by me getting a 'Resolving conflicts at workplace" improvement area in my annual feedback this year. Funnily, in the end it worked well for Mr. Moron that he didn't know me at all. Or else he wouldn't have attempted what he did, rather he would have been shivering even at the thought of telling me whom I love.

Someone I really look up to just recently mentioned to me a Yorkshire saying, "There's nowt so queer as folk" which was explained as meaning "There is nothing as queer/weird as people in this world". AMEN.