Nothin Happenin

I feel like I am in my teens !!! Call it the mid twenties crisis or whatever whacky word u can think of. The anxieties that would trouble a kid just stepping into college, who has no idea of where life is leading... that is what I am experiencing right now.

I'm fortunate enough to have a good life (No I'm not super rich with 2-3 cars and a crore in property ALAS ! ;) I mean I'm just not unfortunate as so many others in this world are... I have a good career, one that life has lead me to doing (just like most of the kids in our education system, times are changing though now). Thank god though I like what I am doing. I have the world's best support system... am Independent and an eternal optimist. Still yeah still I am not contented. Was never a person who had concrete set "Goals" and "Aims" in life.

"By 18, I want to be a Internet wizkid." -- (This species had a computer as their first toy)
"By 20, I will start my own firm" -- (Why not 16 or 18... 20 is toooo late Yaaawwwwn)
"I want to be a Heart Surgeon" -- (Translates to burn out and not even recognising your own relatives)

Till now I never thought them important. Infact I really could never comprehend how on earth people set goals for themselves, some of them do it soooo early in their lives !!! (If you are one of them, dont think I am weird, neurotic and a lost case). For someone who had no wish to be where I am, I feel I am damn lucky. So many deserving people don't get their dues. As I understand from my colleagues and friends in IT... recognition comes by yelling out achievements in front of seniors, staying late just to give an aura of "Working" and most importantly always agreeing with the Boss. I never did any of those... infact the early years for me was like College. Started working very early on in my life. So office was taken as lightly as it could have been. It never hit me that my job was my livelyhood nor did I know what to do with the money that came at the month end. For months I did nothing with it. Coming from a Middle class background, I learnt very early in childhood that luxuries in life were a waste and events taught me that money gave me short lived happiness.

I never aimed for the Promotions I got, ditto for the other good things that happened along the way. Lately though, I have been bugged by questions which were till now never a part of my life. There's a change in me. I don't know where it came from... its like my horizons have widened and my vision sees a far bigger picture, in which I have things to do in life, aaan I think people would call them Goals :) Though right now they are just short term ones atleast I have some Goals. I have been asking myself, what is it that is my part to play in this Life... No prizes for guessing I dont have any answers (Clairvoyant I have never been). I am sure this question bugs each one of us sometime or the other. Maybe its because I'm soon reaching a stage in my life where I have 'been der and done that'. That's one of the perils of my generation. We achieve too soon and too much. Challenges cease to excite those who have surpassed the same kind before. Life suddenly seems to be slipping day by day. Gone are the days of just existing. Now its to give a meaning to this existence. Im searching for new outlets to release my pent up energy... and if I hadnt forcefully formed an aim for myself, got better organised in life... I would have ended up spending my most precious asset, this Life and Time, listening to more junk music, seeeing movies and downloading more to see, idling away on the internet, holding to illusions and fantasies that my mind weaves.

Whether I can get through the targets set for myself I do not know. Here I may take a moment and share that I had always set timetables during exams. Till date never stuck to even one of those. Those were juz a reminder for me that "Girl you have exams" !!! When I do complete atleast one thing I plan to do, I will post it here. It will be interesting to analyse, if I could get this far (however small the distance I've covered) without a direction, where would directing my life take me :D Another mystery to unravel... Aah life just got interesting and ahem "Happening".

Listen to ur Heart !

The month of Love... this is the month when u get to see some classic examples of heart winning over the sane mind :P Having said that I truely believe, there are times when the wisest thing one can do is listen to that inner voice, even though the practical realm of the mind maybe much more sensible. Ahh if one could be thatttt wise :) What follows is a poem I had penned during those moments in my life when I wished I could follow my heart with wild abandon...

~ The Northern Lights ~

Glimmering shinning in the darkest hours
A miracle so confound, so near yet so far
Something compelling there’s no mistaking
A spell that is cast unwillingly…

There is temptation, alas in a form so pure
All things seem so possible and clear
The intuitions telling you to do one thing
And the heart in doubt, a warning rings

Oh, but to be free, devoid of bounds
Why do thoughts have to remain in a wound?
Life's greatest gifts go unheard, unsighted
Running behind things that do not warrant it

Realization of this is just the beginning
Followed by a complete surrender...
Not a question of courage but wisdom
Ecstasy and agony, twins of the same heart

Camouflaged by colors undeciphered
Underneath emotions of the rarest kind
The Northern lights I have come across
Rare and mysterious, the enticement begins.

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